I am ALWAYS and i guess FOREVER be the black sheep in
anything and anywhere. im just so sick and tired of everything
that is happening around me. i wish im not even
born in this world in the first place. (!!!!!)

Im facing one of the most difficult phase of life at
the moment. i can break down anytime anywhere. everything
is crashing down on me.

I won't be able to update for the time being. Understand me,
people. i'll be back when the situation gets better. thankiu.

God,
only YOU understands me well,
only YOU know every single thing thats happening,
only YOU know every little bit of how i'm feeling right now.
Please, make my 2009 a better better one. eversince the
beginning it has been hell, its too much for me to handle.




`ACAH`

*Today's entry concerns issues about me..*


Humans need to talk to themselves, betul? so here i am,
expressing it all out by writing. oh well.



I really miss those days where i'm SERIOUSLY happy; a clear mind, a
peaceful heart. i am a happy-go-lucky person by nature, but nowadays
problems cropped up one after another. i guess these are signs of
growing up. mama told me before, as i grow older, there will be more
problems that i've to face. i can't figure out if the problems are
caused by me ? or is it God's test to us humans ?

I admit, i realise, i know & i hate the fact that i have a very, very bad
temper. i throw tantrums to anyone and everyone around me. do you
know i HATE it sooooooo much??? but its just that i can't seem to
control when i got angry. i've tried, i tried it so hard, its just .. HARD.

That day i was quarelling with Berd, i got so angry. guess what
i did ? macam tak bersalah gitu, i threwwwwwwwwww my new
W980 phone against the wall. then it fell, *piannnggggg* lucky
thing there's casing, so the casing broke into pieces. hell broke loose.
BODOH PE AKU ??!!!!!! And i almost slapped my random schmate
cause she was happily smoking away in that same toilet. the whole
toilet was so smoky, and bloody hell its SKL goddamnit ! kepala
pisang dier. i already kick the door open and about to barge in when
her friend pushed me away. see how my temper can get so ugly ?
I HATE !!

Anyone out there who had tried and succeeded, kindly provide me
advises how you actually did it. thankiu.

An improvement i see for myself: Now, although i admit i still get stressed
up at times, there's no more physical contact, everything verbally.
I usually tend to broke down easily when i'm really angry. unlike last time,
i used to get so tensed up; shouting, cursing, hitting & et-cetra.

You know what, all this happens due to my past experiences. everyone
do have ugly experiences before, right? people say; fuck the past, kiss
the present. whatever it is, i always believe that the past brings us to
who/what we are today. without the past, we're nobody. just because i
don't wish any single bit of my past to repeat itself, i chose to be protective.
maybe i prevented myself too much. to the extend i get abit selfish to
people around me. i protected myself from getting hurt like
how the rubbish people from my stupid days did to me. haiz !



Sape tak tau i love my baby Berd alot? our r'ship isn't that long yet, we
have not even reach a year. just coming 10months. but along the way,
its how we managed to pull through the many obstacles thats important.
we do alot of things together, even stupid, funny and redundant things
together. we can sit at the park and eat kuaci quietly. bayangkan k. a
couple at a park bench sitting side by side, in between us is a pack of
kuaci. only after we finished our share of kuacis then we'll talk. HAHA.

Those were our happier days. sadly, now i feel we lack of the
communication between us. even if there is, it always lead to arguments.
aku lagik kalau cakap A makne A, kalau B makne B. asyik nak menang
je. he'll be like, "pape la k, ape2 i cakap pun nanti u dengan ur decision."
when we fight especially, sometimes we feel, "ahh fuck it we can't make
it." but Berd is a good adviser and he knows how to win my heart back.
i know he sometimes also feel like giving up lagi2 with my attitude but he
held on. just like me. when i really feel like giving up i will think, "will i
ever regret?" or "we've gone through alot, he met my parents, i
knew almost all his cousins. wasted kan." then i think of our happier
days, and im all smiles.

Ironically after all these fights we'll grow stronger to each other. i got no
idea about now. yes, i'm not on good terms with Berd. both of us been
silent with each other since hours ago. look at the time, i cant sleep.
usually every night we'll talk on the phone then i can sleep. but not tonight.
he's angry or gave up or whatever, i don't even know myself. =( Girls have
a problem, we want a relationship as perfect as possible. but for boys its
merely "ah lantakla", "matair tu matair la" , "yeay aku ade matair" -___- ..
get the drift? that is why we girls always and forever will have doubts
on boys. insecurities is like our besfren. sometimes i do think who am i
exactly to him? just an option? or really someone he's serious with ?
when he start attacking me with questions, when his jokes
he delivered at the wrong time is abit hurtful, i felt "aku ni tergolong
macam kawan-kawan dia ke?"

And girls always loved to be always close to the one she loves, am i right?
every minute is precious. unlike boys, tak jumpe pun takpe. "there's
always next time" for girls, what if the 'next time' won't come?

Whatever it is la, bottomline, kita pompan ni macam complex rabak
gitu eh? mintak kene sampiong je kan. abeh boys macam keliru
lagi mengelirukan. abeh amcm cakap?

Ahhhh, i've typed enough. i need a rest. i'm shagged.... and hungry.
& i miss my Baby Berd.

Baby, I'll always love you, even if you're starting to hate me.








`ACAH`

Labels: Stupid Naive Girl